1. Remember don’t assume anything. (EVER)
2. Keep the kid in you alive and well.
3. Remember to realize children live in the moment.
4. Learn to choose your battles. Sometimes winning isn’t important.
5. Remember to talk less and listen more.
6. Remember to tell them how much happiness they have brought into your life.
7. Remember if all else fails bribery works!
8. Learn to think first, “Why Shouldn’t They” before auto respond of saying No kicks in.
9. Remember children learn what they live.
10. Remember to be the kind of person you want your child to be.
11. Learn how to say “I’m Sorry”.
12. Remember to keep your sense of humor.
13. Learn to not sweat the small stuff. (Most important in teen years.)
14. Remember kids have bad days too.
15. Treat all your children the same.
16. Remember this to shall pass! (Repeat to yourself when you feel the urge to…)
17. Remember to share meals together as often as possible.
18. Learn to be specific when praising your child.
19. Remember to continue to giving hugs and kisses, no matter how old they get.
20. Remember if all else fails bribery works! (Worth repeating)
1. Don’t Assume! Ever!
Never assume the children will know what to do or what not to do, where to go or not to go, what to say or what not to say. Don’t assume they will know to come home, when to take a shower or when to do their homework. The point is, NEVER ASSUME! You leave yourself open for “I didn’t know you meant that! Be clear in explaining what you expect from your kids. Let’s call it a friendly reminder that you phase in different ways each time you mention what expect them to do or be. Be straightforward and honest why you expect this or that from them.
2. Keep The Kid in You Alive!
Sing like no ones listening and dance like no ones watching! (I wouldn’t recommend doing this around your teenagers though, they’ll disown you.) We need to remember to have fun with our kids. That means when they are small to play with them when they play. No matter what age your child is, be a willing participant in their play. With four kids I’ve lost count of how many hands of Slap Jack or Chutes and Ladders I’ve played. When we painted, (finger painting and shaving cream painting is the best!) I hung my artwork up next to theirs. I’ve gone nuts playing hundreds of games of Uno. Did you know that Uno is a great teaching tool. It even teach toddlers. It teaches colors, counting and playing fair. Same for Yatzze
3. Remember children live in the moment. (I Want It Now!)
This may be one of the hardest things for us as parents to remember. Parents are planners. Maybe just becoming adults turns us into planners, I’m not sure how it happens but it does. I’m not sure why but we plan everything! I understand planning our dinners, our vacations, where will stop when we drive even our deaths. But I also think we make it more difficult for ourselves. Maybe that’s where the saying “Through a Child’s Eye” came from. For your child, the most important thing in the world is what is happening to them right now, right this moment, that’s all that matters. We tend to blow off things we don’t feel are important, missing the point, that to them, whatever is happening is the worst thing that could happen to them and they will never get over it not even in a hundred years. Try and remember as a child what really set you off, a bad haircut, clothes your mom made you wear, not so cool shoes. We all remember how crushed we were when our parents didn’t understand. When you listen to your kids, really listen when they talk, you’ll know what is important to them. Make it important to you, no matter how trivial you think it is. They learn to care about others feelings by how you caring about theirs.
4. Remember choose your battles. (Sometimes winning isn’t everything.)
This one parenting skill can save heartaches for everyone involved. It can make or break your relationship with your children. As adults, why do we always have to have it our way? According to Bill Cosby, “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.”, maybe true but your kids have learned some things on their own. Becoming their own person I think is the buzz word today. They need consent from us to feel and think on their own. This helps prepare them for the real world. When it comes to battles with your kids stop and think:
1. Will it hurt anyone physically to let them have it their way?
2. What will they learn by me allowing them to have it their way?
3. In the whole scheme of life how much does this really matter?
I want to throw this thought in here. This is my pet peeve:
We all want our children to be happy successful responsible adults. What we fail to realize is this doesn’t just magically happen when our kids turn 18 or leave home. You can’t very well expect them to succeed on their own if they haven’t been taught the tools they need to do this. In order for our children to become these happy successful responsible adults, they need practice and lots of it. Practice making decisions. Practice having a say in what they do or don’t do. Practice thinking things out. Practice will teach them how to pick the good idea from the bad idea. As they become older they need to learn to make choices and, to suffer the consequences when they make the wrong choice. As parents, maybe we need to give them the chance to learn these life skills. We may have to give up some of the control we have over them. A little bit here and little bit there. As they get into the young adult years, 8-12 year olds, let them learn by trail and error. By high school they should be ready to face the world without mom and dad to save their tails. It’s hard to practice hands off but if you want your kids to succeed, you MUST learn to let go. Just my thought on the subject.
5. Remember to talk less and listen more.
Sometimes kids can’t just come out and say what they feel. You know your child. You can tell just by looking at them that something may be up. Listen to how they are saying things, not just what they are saying. Listen to them as you would listen to a good friend. Giving them your full attention. Stop what you’re doing and listen. Remember how much it bothers you when someone gives you half and ear. Be courteous give them your full attention. If you need a better reason to listen to them, remember one day they may choose your nursing home.
6. Remember to tell them how glad you are to have them in your life.
Because we all live in the real world and time gets way from us. We need to make an effort to let our kids know we love having them in our lives. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Actually, it really is simple. Remembering to do it is another thing. Before we know it the day is over, kids are in bed and we say, “Oh my gosh! I forgot to tell Chad I loved him” Kids seem to think a lot of the things that go wrong in our lives are their fault. Why they think this I don’t know. I don’t claim to understand why they think this. It’s one of those things that just is. As a parent we need to make sure they realize having them in our lives is the best thing that happened to us. It makes everything worth the struggle. Having them makes the long days and night’s okay. The song “Because You Loved Me” by Celina Dion says it all. I am what I am because you loved me!
7. Share the load (Chores)
Please don’t be the kind parent that does everything for your child and expects nothing in return. This teaches them to care only about their needs and wants. They need to learn that being part of a family means both give and take. They must contribute to the family life by helping. No matter what the age of your child they can help. This is much easier if started this at birth, but if you’re like the rest of us, you don’t realize until we are overwhelmed with trying to do it all ourselves. You need ask your kids for their help. Start by discussing what kind of help you need. Together make a list of chores and let them pick what chores they will do. Really, let them pick. You’ll be surprised at what they’ll want to do. Some (some I say with a smile) kids may need a little convincing. You know your child the best and what will work. After you have settled on certain tasks for each child. Make up a chart listing what is to be done and when it’s to be done. Just saying “Do your room, leaves you wide open. You must state when, where and how. That saves you from the dreaded “ I didn’t know” ( This is a little guy who lives in everyone’s household, he’s related to the “ I don’t know girl). For younger kids you can use a picture chart. Together choose pictures to represent things you want done by your younger child. A picture of a child picking up toys, picture of a child brushing their teeth, etc. You get the picture. Your charts save you from “I didn’t know I was suppose to do that”. You can come up with your own rewards system. Stickers are the best invention since sliced bread and they work wonders in a reward system.
8. Learn to think, “Why Shouldn’t They” before your auto respond of “NO” kicks in.
I think because we are pulled in so many directions that the first think we think is NO! I know I’m not multi task person. We tend to focus on the obvious, what’s right in front of our nose.
We hear so many requests (a nice way to put it don’t you think!) from our kids that we just get programmed to say No! But, NO! Mom I just want to, I said NO. And the best “What part of NO! don’t you understand?” We need to teach our kids (from birth if you can) that we need time to think things over. I think they figure out early on that a sneak attack sometimes works. Mom’s losing it, lets ask for a dog! We need to take the time to “Stop, Think, then Answer. You’ll find this really works. Now after you get this down pat you move on to “Open for discussion” or “Not open for discussion”. When I had made a decision that I was keeping no matter what, I would say and “this is not open for discussion”. When they could present their demands, I mean requests; I would state, “This is open for discussion’. Many times I could see their logic and change my decision. Teaching kids to be flexible makes school much easier to deal with.
9. Remember children learn what they live.
The most profound thing I’ve ever read is this poem. It says it all!
Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
10. Remember to be the kind of person you want your child to be.
Kids learn by example. It’s that simple. How you live your life will influence your child’s life. If you want your child to grow up to be a kind, honest, trustworthy, loving adult? Then you must be a kind, honest, trustworthy, loving parent.
11. When you say, “I’m Sorry”, mean it.
Never be to big to say “I’m Sorry”. If you’ve made a mistake, hurt someone’s feeling, whatever it is, let him or her know you are sorry. And when you say you’re sorry, mean it! I remember a time with my one of my sons. We were dropping off one of his friends and he wanted to go with him. I said no! I don’t know why I said no, but I did. A huge argument started and by force I kept my son in the car (with his friend watching). Of course my being bigger, I won this battle, but I lost the war. We didn’t talk for days and my son was crushed as his friend told other friends about our situation. After days of not speaking to each other, I apologized to him. Yes, I apologized because I was wrong. I handled the situation completely wrong. When I said I was sorry I truly meant it. Winning shouldn’t have been my sole purpose. Do you know to this day, I regret how I handled that situation. Funny what you remember as you age.
12. Remember to keep your sense of humor.
You won’t survive if you can’t laugh at yourself. Learn to see the world through your child’s eyes and things don’t seem so serious or so fatal. I remember one Thanksgiving dinner, my mom, the mother of 4, grandmother of 7 and great grandmother of 4, dropped a forkful of mashed potatoes on her lap. My kids let out a whoop and laughed. She gave them the LOOK. You know the LOOK. Every parent has one. Well, the laughing kept going and the next moment my sons were in shock! Their grandma shot a spoonful of mashed potatoes at them. This food fight has been the talk of many dinners around our house. She had learned to laugh!
13. Learn don’t sweat the small stuff. (Most important in teen years.)
If you can remember this one, life will be so much easier especially when your kids reach the teen years. You need to look at things as a whole picture. Will the world end if I don’t make her clean her room perfectly? Will he be a drop out if I don’t make him tow the line this time? I’m not saying not to make them responsible for their actions. We just need to remember all things can’t be that crucial. It comes down to don’t sweat the small stuff!
14. Remember kids have bad days too.
As the adult in the family, we need to remember kids can get up on the wrong side of the bed, just like we do. Some days you have no idea what’s up with them. Just remember to give them some space and time to work through it. Tell you understand how it is because you have days that just don’t seem right either. Identify with them, they’ll be more understanding when you have your bad days.
15. Treat all your children the same. It doesn’t matter if they’re a boy or girl!
After having 3 sons, I thought ok; I’ll try one more time for a daughter. I found out in my 4th month I was having a girl. I went crazy buying pink EVERYTHING! I bought little pretty shoes, fluffy dresses, bows, hair things, you name it I wanted it. I even planned her dance classes. I planed every feminine thing you could think of. When she was born my oldest son Chad, then 18, gave me a book to read to her. It was called The Paper Bag Princess. I don’t recall who wrote it or why it affected me so much, but it changed the way I raised my daughter. The book was about this Princess who went off to save the Prince. She went through rainstorms; snowstorms and ended fighting a dragon. Hum, you say, sounds like most other stories. Well the Princess finally got to the Prince and he said; you look a mess, your hair, your clothes everything. Please go home and make yourself presentable. Well, she left all right, she left the Prince with the dragon! After reading this book, I promised I’d raise my daughter the same way I was raised my sons. She not only took dance, she played T-Ball. (She liked running the bases backwards going to 3rd to 2nd to 1st and then home). She tried all types of sports, basketball, little league, swimming. My son saved me from showing my daughter only half the things she might enjoy. She is a teenager now and enjoys life to the fullest. So remember don’t limit your child’s choices. Treat them the same.
16. Remember This To Shall Pass! (Repeat to yourself when you feel the urge to…)
There are days and then there are days. Sometimes my kids are so good I think how lucky I am to have them, then the wind changes direction or something and I have these monsters whose sole purpose in life is to make me crazy. I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. We’ve all had those days when we think to ourselves, I did this on purpose! (having kids) Try not to get lost in the storm and remember “This To Shall Pass!”
17. Remember to share meals together as often as possible.
This seems simple, have dinner together. When your kids are young it is easy. We’re talking about when your child is older and is involved in after school activities. Or maybe you’re working longer hours. Truth is most families eat in shifts. What you need to make happen is family dinnertime. So much more goes on than just eating. Buss word again, bonding happens. You hear about their day, their thoughts and feeling on things that are happening to them and around them. Make a point to turn the TV off, focus on family time. Being to busy to listen because Dr. Phil is on doesn’t cut it. Tune the rest of the world out and tune in to your family. The payoff for doing this is priceless.
18. Learn to be specific when praising your child.
Ok, Ok I know you’ve heard this before. But you need to understand your kids want you to mean it when you say “Great Job” So if you’re going to praise them make it count. You might say something like “Scotty you did your room so good. You know it really helps me out when you do your room that way” They have heard “Good Job” and that they “helped you” The payoff is that when they get older they will know to thank people for helping them and what is expected from them to get a “Great Job.’
19. Remember to give hugs and kisses, no matter how grown up they think they are..
You know, there are hugs for every occasion. Hugs that say hello or goodbye, hugs that say goodnight or hugs that say I’m glad to see you. At some point in our kid’s lives we stop giving hug and kisses. It usually starts around the pre teen years. Our kids suddenly think they are to grown up for hugs. Before we realize it we never hug our kids. Hugs are good for the heart. A good hug helps with the sad times and the bad times. Continue to hug your kids. I’m not suggesting you hug them in front of everyone, OMG! That would destroy them. But you can sneak them in if you make it a part of them leaving on arriving home. Another good time to sneak in hugs and kisses is at bedtime.
20. Remember if all else fails bribery works!
I truly believe this. I know I bribe my kids all the time. From potty training, use the potty chair and mommy will give you some M &M’s. Or if you want to go to the show, clean your room first. I’m not an advocate of giving kids allowance for helping. They should help because we are a family and being part of a family means they should help. I give them money because of extra things they do.
